North Texas Pigeon Denton’s most libel news source

"Open Season" Declared on Campus Squirrels

The University's Effort to Stop Ebola

In an attempt to combat the spread of the deadly ebola virus, the University of North Texas has officially declared "Open Season" on all campus squirrels. As firearms and other weapons are prohibited on campus, university officials encourage both students and faculty to "maim, smash, and destroy" all squirrels while still complying with campus safety protocol.

Surprisingly, this radical statement has garnered widespread support from students and professors alike, who have longtime considered the squirrels to be pests. When approached about the matter, one student nasally said, "They're like super annoying and get in everyone's way. Honestly, squirrels aren't even that cute."

Local student, Ashley Deadshot, with today's catch.

Hoping to reduce the population quickly, the university is offering a $10.00 reward for every squirrel killed. To claim their reward, participants of this so-called "Squirrel Purge" are encouraged to bring any and all carcasses to the environmental science building help desk for inspection.

When asked about backlash received from the decision, the university president stated, "I mean, they're just squirrels. I don't think they even feel pain.". The University of North Texas hopes that this small contribution will assist in ending what may become the plague of the century. Happy Hunting!