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Gov. Abbott Selected to Royally Fuck Up Everyone's Graduation This Semester

UNT to hire seat fillers for ceremony

The results of a poll conducted last Friday reveal that over 3/4th's of all UNT students would rather walk the stage for graduation in August than sit through a commencement speech by Texas Governor Greg Abbott, despite UNT's decision to cancel August graduation ceremonies earlier this year.

"Nah, I don't think I'll be attending the ceremony," said senior Hal Incandenza. "I mean, it's not like the four years of College are the greatest thing I've ever accomplished or anything."

Although the contents of his speech are not confirmed, Abbott is expected to discuss his legislative agenda for the upcoming year, which includes:

  • Deporting all the Gays to California
  • The "Every Student Gets a Gun Act"
  • Putting a picture of God on the $20 bill
  • Securing the border by placing sharks in the Rio Grande (pictured below)

This controversy is leading up to what may be the lamest graduation in the history of UNT.

Even UNT Republican Club President Hayes Moore expressed his outrage in the selection:

"It's a shame our University would let such a bigoted prick speak at our graduation. Really goes to show what this country's coming to. Thanks a lot, Obama."